prismatica | twelve 💕 username: inaban

But you don't have to handle it -- not on your own. You have friends, you have me. You're allowed to lean on us.

[If she doesn't pull away, he reaches up to rest a hand on her cheek.]

It's not a weakness. It just makes you human.

...

[For a lengthy moment, she's quiet. She knows that much. Even though a dark part of her wants to argue. But then she just buries her head on his shoulder if he'll allow her, Inaba's own voice quiet, fragile.

It isn't as if she doesn't want to lean on them, but rather--]

I know it's stupid. And that it's probably just a coincidence, or something. But I can't help but blame myself for their disappearance and think that maybe anyone who gets too close will also...

[It's paranoia, through and through.]

[The moment she starts to actively lean on him, he shifts so he can hold her properly, petting the back of her head in a way he hopes is a bit soothing.]

...it's a little stupid. But humans are stupid, too.

It's easy to blame yourself when there's no other explanation for why something happened. [Speaking from experience there.] But not everything happens for a reason -- sometimes, things just happen. And it stinks.

[The fact that he admits that humans are stupid comes to her as a bit of a surprise, honestly. It's enough for her eyes to widen, even though she's not crying. She's already out of tears.]

He shouldn't have had to go back to that.

[She's talking about Atsushi, there.]

I bet, he's already...

[...forgotten about me, she doesn't finish her sentence, and just thinking about it makes her heart twist and ache.

Because she is all too aware of how things work.

If he's really gone back - it's not with memories of this place. As much as she'd like to have hope, her own experiences tell her otherwise.]

[There isn't much he can say to her latter point, because it's true. But really, wasn't it for the best? Whether he remembers it or not, he still lived out his experiences here. But without those memories, at the very least, he won't remember what he's missing. He won't remember what he might never come back to.]

[It was certainly the easiest option for those who leave. But there really wasn't anything good for those left behind.]

...for what it's worth, I don't think the world he's going back to is that bad. Or at least, it won't be.

I never really talked to him about it at length. But I figured out enough to know why his world is the way it is. And if I'm right -- and I usually am -- he'll be okay.

[Any plan crafted by Dazai doesn't leave behind loose threads. Even without knowing what kind of person the Dazai of Atsushi's world was, Ranpo can trust in him enough to know that has to be true.]

[She listens to him carefully, and the more Ranpo says, the more irritated she gets. Maybe it isn't her place to step in and get angry for someone else's sake - especially given that they aren't even here, but she does so anyway, her brows furrowing in frustration.]

How can you be so sure about that?

[Even if Ranpo might have deduction skills that borderline on supernatural, something that sometimes sends chills right down her own spine, that doesn't mean he can be right all the time.

'Usually' doesn't equate to 'always'.]

He barely has anyone back there. And if he doesn't remember anything, he only had one friend.

[She believes that he's going to have a rough time. It isn't impossible, but it'll certainly be hard.

Her fingers by her sides curl, tight.]

And more than that... he's stuck in someone's shadow that he just simply cannot escape from that easily. Regardless of whether you think that the 'world' might not be that bad objectively.

[Because hey, maybe it isn't! For a normal, bystander's point of view, that is. As a general whole.]

[Her anger is understandable -- he's sure she knows much more about the situation than he does. Which makes it hard to argue with. But at the same time, he has reasons for believing what he does -- and not just because he's deduced it to be true.]

I never said it would be easy. I'm sure it'll be hard and painful. Maybe even the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

But he'll get through it. Because he's Atsushi.

[And not just "an Atsushi" -- the Atsushi he knew, who he got to know only here in this world, was strong. Stronger than he gave himself credit for, as if somewhere along the line he started walking backwards from square one.]

We can't physically be there for him. But we can believe in him. And believe that if he was strong enough to handle this world, he'll be strong enough to handle his own.

Even if he has to handle it without us.

...

[He's right.

He didn't say it was easy, and a part of her does want to believe in Ranpo's words, but she's so mad and angry and upset that it's hard to keep her thoughts straight.

And more than that-]

It's not fair.

[She ducks her head so her expression can't be seen, although her voice shows the tell tale signs of the emotions she must be feeling. How each syllable quivers and shakes in spite of her trying to pull herself together.

And it just... feels like a punch in the gut, just a little, to basically hear that she can't do anything more for him.

Of course, she knows that with each passing moment, in spite of everything that's been said - how utterly weak and fragile she feels.

Why do people have to forget the times they spent here? What kind of cruel fate is that?]

It's way too unfair.

[Her voice is quieter now, faint. The tremble's passed, but fragility sits in her voice. And it paints a clear picture: she's trying to keep herself from breaking entirely, putting the pieces of her glass heart together with just mere duct tape and glue.

It's a rather frail attempt at trying to be okay when she's so clearly not.

While part of that might be because they're both gone, that's only one part of the whole picture. And he's already heard the second half together, enough to piece things together.

It'd be one thing if she knew for certain that he'd gone back to his world.

Maybe for anyone else, they'd be fine with that much.

But... forgetting everything from this world... that's what wrecks her the most. It's why she can't be simply okay with the disappearances.]

It's not fair.

[When he hears her voice grow softer like that, he shifts to wrapping both arms around her, pulling her in closer.]

[She doesn't have to be okay. It's okay to not be okay. And as long as he's still here, he wants to be someone she can lean on, to hold the fragile pieces of her heart so she can express that pain without falling apart.]

[And even if she did -- he'd be there to put her back together.]

I'm sorry.

You-

[She's struggling to find the proper words to say as her voice seems to nearly edge towards something watery. As if making the attempt to choke back her feelings.

The words echo and reverberate in her mind.

it's not fair.

It really isn't. But...]

You shouldn't have to apologize... for something that isn't your fault, Ranpo.

[She buries her head in his shoulder to hide the tears, even if she knows he probably can tell they're there. It's fine.]

I... should be the one saying 'I'm sorry'.

Edited 2020-07-16 11:30 (UTC)

I'm not apologizing for that.

[He runs his hand down the back of her hair, hoping to soothe as he holds her. And he'll gladly hold her for as long as she needs tonight.]

But you're hurting. And I'm sorry there's nothing I can do or say to make things hurt less right now.

[Even trying to reassure her with platitudes like "you still have me" feel in poor taste, given it's not as though any of them have a choice in the matter.]

You still shouldn't have to apologize, though.

[Even if she was wrong about what she was thinking -- that doesn't change her feelings on the matter in the slightest bit.]

Sometimes- [She takes a sharp breath through her nose, trying to steady herself. It doesn't help very much, though.] You have to go through shitty things. But if I can power through this, then... I'll become a stronger person for it. That's what's important.

...the fact that you can look at it like that means you're already a strong person. Keep this up, and you'll be throwing me over your shoulder in no time.

[This is a bad joke--]

But it's okay to hurt sometimes, too. Maybe it seems like a waste of time to sulk or cry about things you can't change, but... it does help to let it out.

["Already a strong person"-

She doesn't know about that.

That's why she always tries to cover up her weaknesses. But let's not talk about that right now, or think about it.]

I know.

[That it's okay to feel this way, in spite of, well - everything.]

I just don't like it.

Well... then why don't we do something to keep your mind off things for a little while? We can watch a movie? I found a new really bad one we can make fun of for a few hours.

[It wasn't a weakness to want to avoid dealing with pain. Knowing when to step back and not let it overwhelm you -- those were a type of strength, too.]

[She's a little quiet for a few moments before finding herself smiling, something a little soft.]

I'd like that.

[Her voice is soft, too.

But, then, afterwards-]

... thank you.

I - really owe you one, again.

Edited 2020-07-29 22:41 (UTC)

[Seeing that smile has him smiling back, glad to see her mood improving. He can't do anything to undo the fact that she's lost people she loves -- but if he can just make her smile, maybe that's enough?]

Don't worry about it-- now come on, you're gonna hate this movie!

[--and then they watched a shitty movie and laughed about it for a few hours. And at least, for now, he was able to help her feel a bit better.]

[But unbeknownst to Inaba, Ranpo himself wouldn't cry over Atsushi's disappearance until he was home and by himself.]

twelve 💕 username: inaban

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/wraps this up...!